Aliens | The Loadout Room

When last I checked, over 1.2 million people had made the extraordinary commitment to bum rush a government facility with a storied history of testing some of America’s most advanced military aircraft. The SR-71, U-2 Spy Plane, F-117 Nighthawk and many more can trace their lineage back to test flights over the dry bed that was once Groom Lake, but in the minds of many, that doesn’t serve as quite enough justification for a secretive airstrip in the middle of the Nevada Test and Training Range. As far as they’re concerned, the government is sure to have something more nefarious… even out of this world… locked away in Area 51’s expansive hangars.

Of course, if you’re among the few human beings out of that 1.2 million that clicked “going” on a Facebook page that actually intends to make the trek out to Area 51, there are a few things you should know first: 1) the U.S. Government is authorized to use lethal force in many places that don’t house alien spacecraft (like if there’s a chance a crowd of idiots are going to gain access to a dangerous weapon system like a fighter jet). 2) The U.S. military is exceedingly good at killing idiots that are stumbling through an open expanse of desert. Anybody would be. It’d be like an episode of The Walking Dead. 3) It’s worth reminding one another that the troops stationed on the Nevada Test Range that these “raiders” would be throwing themselves at are regular Americans like me and you — not nameless bad guys in an Area 51 video game.

Okay, now that we got that all out of the way, you might still be pumped to start packing your Area 51 Raiding Party Pack. So here’s what you need to make sure to bring:

Hydration: Carrying a water purification or filtration set up is always a good idea, but in the unforgiving deserts of Nevada, you’ll be hard pressed to find any water to filter or treat. That means you’re going to have to carry your hydration on your person, and depending on how long you expect to be out raiding, that means carrying a lot of water, so I recommend the CamelBak M.U.L.E. It’ll carry 3 liters of water, which means almost enough for one day’s walk in the desert. You might want to stow some extra water bottles in your pack too.

Tourniquets: In the event Area 51 security decides to deter your advance the good old fashioned way (with bullets), you’re going to want at least four tourniquets on hand. Why so many? Because that’s how many limbs you’ve got, and if you’re lucky you won’t take any round to the chest. I recommend the SWAT-T Tourniquet for proven reliability and performance. In fact, you might want to grab a few spares for your buddies that come under-equipped.

Adult diapers: Now, I already hear what you’re saying: “I don’t wear diapers!” Well, you’ll want to start. If a raid on Area 51 actually did occur, the U.S. Air Force would likely engage the crowd with a wide variety of non-lethal weapon systems, and I don’t just mean rubber bullets (though they would be extremely effective). It seems likely that they would employ some sound-based weapons that were purpose built for riot control, like the Long Range Acoustic Device (LRAD) Sound Cannon. Forget taking rounds to the chest — stand in the way of this thing for too long and you’ll probably end up shitting your pants.

A satellite phone: Chances are good that your service will be terrible out in the middle of nowhere, Nevada, but you’re going to need some way to communicate with your mom so she knows when to come pick you up. That’s where the satellite phone comes in. Use this baby when you realize the “raid” you signed up for is actually a mass gathering of dweebs with no real plan, resources, or even goals to accomplish. Once the people in the crowd realize that they didn’t all vote for the same candidate (in the last presidential election or the last season of American Idol), the in-fighting is bound to ensue. The only thing Americans hate more than the government telling them they can’t see their aliens is literally everything else about one another.

When the crowd turns on you over whatever the trending outrage of the day may be, you’ll want to dial your mom’s digits and coordinate an EXFIL as quickly as possible.

Feature image courtesy of WikiMedia Commons

The benefits of robotic exoskeleton technology are easy to imagine. Increased strength and endurance, the ability to carry heavier armor plating for protection, and as Ripley pointed out in the sci-fi classic “Aliens,” there’s no better way to take on extraterrestrial hive queens. The Department of Defense has been investing money into the TALOS “Iron Man” suit since 2013, but thus far, there’s no indication that the technology has matured enough to see any reasonable use in a combat environment any time soon.

Of course, that doesn’t mean there are no less than reasonable uses for exo-suit technology available today.

Enter the Skeletonics line of exoskeletons, purpose-built for the type of guy that wants to look the part of an alien hunting space marine, despite not actually being able to do most of the things you might expect at first glance. Think of it as the robotic equivalent of an Airsoft gun: the Skeletonics exo-suits look and feel like an intimidating piece of combat hardware… but would never work in a real fight.

The suit is entirely analog, meaning it doesn’t actually provide the wearer with any increase in strength or capability. Nonetheless, the Skeletonics suits do represent some impressive engineering. At around 88 pounds, these platforms are designed to be moved and powered by the human body — and they manage to do so with an impressive degree of specificity.

“I’m frequently told that it looks fantastic, but then have to explain that it doesn’t really do anything, which ends up confusing a lot of people,” creator Reyes Tatsuru Shiroku told The Japan Times. “We didn’t think about creating anything useful. That’s probably why we were able to develop a unique thing.”

What the Skeletonics suits offer, if not any practicality, could best be compared to a marionette controlled by the wearer, or maybe as an expensive bit of cosplay. How expensive? Very. If you want to burn your own calories moving one of these nine-foot-tall robo-monsters around your high school reunion, it’ll run you a cool $93,000.

And you’ll have to pay extra to hire the cosplay models Skeletonics often uses to make their contraption (and its user) look cool in pictures.

Sarcasm aside, the Skeletonics suit may not represent the future of exoskeleton technology, but it does serve as a strong indicator of where commercial technology will likely be heading in the decades to come. Other firms, like South Korea’s Hankook Mirae Technology, recently unveiled the Method 2 — a 13-foot tall fully functional bipedal robot designed to carry a human pilot in its body. Megabots recently broadcast the first ever battle between fully functional 12-ton manned robots as well… though the show proved them to be clumsy, slow-paced and disappointing. Limited as the technology may be for now, there’s no denying the trend: exoskeleton technology is advancing, and there’s a chance we’ll see it in the private sector before the military can begin fielding their own.

Sort of like watching a traffic accident between farm equipment. (Megabots)

While it may seem silly to spend the same on a non-robotic robot suit as many who live in rural areas spend on their homes, chances are good that Skeletonics will find buyers — just as Megabots found an audience and the Method 2 will likely one day make it onto construction sites. The fact of the matter is, these silly looking, sometimes stumbling first steps are often exactly what the technology of tomorrow looks like before it reaches maturity.

You never know, the future of warfighting could look something like this:

Feature image courtesy of Skeletonics