When last I checked, over 1.2 million people had made the extraordinary commitment to bum rush a government facility with a storied history of testing some of America’s most advanced military aircraft. The SR-71, U-2 Spy Plane, F-117 Nighthawk and many more can trace their lineage back to test flights over the dry bed that was once Groom Lake, but in the minds of many, that doesn’t serve as quite enough justification for a secretive airstrip in the middle of the Nevada Test and Training Range. As far as they’re concerned, the government is sure to have something more nefarious… even out of this world… locked away in Area 51’s expansive hangars.
Of course, if you’re among the few human beings out of that 1.2 million that clicked “going” on a Facebook page that actually intends to make the trek out to Area 51, there are a few things you should know first: 1) the U.S. Government is authorized to use lethal force in many places that don’t house alien spacecraft (like if there’s a chance a crowd of idiots are going to gain access to a dangerous weapon system like a fighter jet). 2) The U.S. military is exceedingly good at killing idiots that are stumbling through an open expanse of desert. Anybody would be. It’d be like an episode of The Walking Dead. 3) It’s worth reminding one another that the troops stationed on the Nevada Test Range that these “raiders” would be throwing themselves at are regular Americans like me and you — not nameless bad guys in an Area 51 video game.
Okay, now that we got that all out of the way, you might still be pumped to start packing your Area 51 Raiding Party Pack. So here’s what you need to make sure to bring:
Hydration: Carrying a water purification or filtration set up is always a good idea, but in the unforgiving deserts of Nevada, you’ll be hard pressed to find any water to filter or treat. That means you’re going to have to carry your hydration on your person, and depending on how long you expect to be out raiding, that means carrying a lot of water, so I recommend the CamelBak M.U.L.E. It’ll carry 3 liters of water, which means almost enough for one day’s walk in the desert. You might want to stow some extra water bottles in your pack too.
Tourniquets: In the event Area 51 security decides to deter your advance the good old fashioned way (with bullets), you’re going to want at least four tourniquets on hand. Why so many? Because that’s how many limbs you’ve got, and if you’re lucky you won’t take any round to the chest. I recommend the SWAT-T Tourniquet for proven reliability and performance. In fact, you might want to grab a few spares for your buddies that come under-equipped.
Adult diapers: Now, I already hear what you’re saying: “I don’t wear diapers!” Well, you’ll want to start. If a raid on Area 51 actually did occur, the U.S. Air Force would likely engage the crowd with a wide variety of non-lethal weapon systems, and I don’t just mean rubber bullets (though they would be extremely effective). It seems likely that they would employ some sound-based weapons that were purpose built for riot control, like the Long Range Acoustic Device (LRAD) Sound Cannon. Forget taking rounds to the chest — stand in the way of this thing for too long and you’ll probably end up shitting your pants.
A satellite phone: Chances are good that your service will be terrible out in the middle of nowhere, Nevada, but you’re going to need some way to communicate with your mom so she knows when to come pick you up. That’s where the satellite phone comes in. Use this baby when you realize the “raid” you signed up for is actually a mass gathering of dweebs with no real plan, resources, or even goals to accomplish. Once the people in the crowd realize that they didn’t all vote for the same candidate (in the last presidential election or the last season of American Idol), the in-fighting is bound to ensue. The only thing Americans hate more than the government telling them they can’t see their aliens is literally everything else about one another.
When the crowd turns on you over whatever the trending outrage of the day may be, you’ll want to dial your mom’s digits and coordinate an EXFIL as quickly as possible.
Feature image courtesy of WikiMedia Commons
